3/13/23 | 6:46 PM

mood: cold, confused, tired as usual
listening to: random youtube video
pokewalker steps: 0, i forgot to take it with me today

finally a journal entry not written at 2 am for once. i don't have anything too specific to say, but my therapy appointments have been cancelled for not just this week but also next week, so i really need somewhere to talk. it feels like the world always waits for things to actually get hard for me to cancel my therapy appointments through cosmic intervention.

before i get into my actual personal rambling, i forgot that i started writing this entry for a reason... i'm formatting an sd card i have laying around right now, and it seems that this was an old sd card from my switch. i wanted to keep some of the files here for posterity. most of them will be on a scrapbook page, but why not put some here, too?

i was inspired by moonview to get a new battery for my childhood nikon coolpix camera. i have no actual memory of using it, but i assumed it relied solely on sd card memory... i turned it on and it turns out that it can store 7 pictures on internal memory. so needless to say i got jumpscared by childhood videos, and i really didn't like that. hilariously, i sound like entirely different children in each clip; i wonder if anyone remembers taking these? regardless of the jumpscare, it'll be nice to have the ability to use this camera again. here's the only photo i took today, since it was before formatting the sd card.

everything below here is my personal venting in absence of therapy, so feel free to tab out if you're not into that. (but then why would you be reading my journal?)

yesterday was really hard. i can't even really get into why, it's too personal... but we're getting into a time of year that is going to be really hard for me on multiple levels. i'm not too thrilled about it being mar/13 either. it feels like everything is trying to dangle me over the precipice of a cliff and i'm fighting for my life to not just let go. it's been a long ass time since i felt bad enough to just sedate myself to sleep but i really felt that bad. i'm glad to at least be in a point of my life where if there's any interpersonal issues that happen i'm able to talk about them and not delude myself into dealing with it. i'm really thankful for that.

not to mention everything going on with my job, which they definitely hate my ass and want to fire me, by the way. i went to ask if there was anything i'm doing wrong that i could improve on and it essentially boiled down to "i need you to work twice as fast and do twice as much manual labor as you are now, while also being the only cashier too" even though i always have at least one other coworker with me who does the same amount of fucking work that i do now, but they're assistant managers so they aren't expected to do the heavy lifting that i do. all of that is bullshit for anyone let alone someone with chronic pain, so i just need to suck it up and listen to [redacted for privacy] and put my damn two weeks in. at least i'll have saved enough to be able to have funds for my trip to see coda in may. it's hard not to spiral at the idea of losing your job during an onslaught of trauma anniversaries though.

today wasn't even that bad, really. fen got some new clothes in, but i know they'll want to make their own page about that, so i won't go into it. i just want to sleep for 1,000 years... i wish my brain wasn't like sludge right now so i had the energy to code more than just these rambling journal entries... but it's okay.