#2 | 3/15/2023

only 30 minutes to write this one, i've got to shower and head to work soon. i feel bad starting my journal off with so much serious venting LOL, but i also kind of don't give a fuck because this year is really testing me irt everything in that regard. work is one of those places!

i don't know how to go about properly reconnecting w people who knew me when i was still in school, before i dropped out n everything. i feel some sort of guilt but mostly confused about it... i don't know how to explain why i vanished for 10 yrs besides pretty much being like I had my reasons and Things happened, lmao. which i mean it's true, but some of these ppl knew [redacted] because i talked about them, and also knew J! so it makes it really complicated! you can probably guess what happened if you really think about it but i don't want to just SAY that to people... i don't even like to say it to ME! it's news that lucas talked to these people at least once before though so it makes it just slightly less awkward for me.

it's not that i'm not appreciative though, (if you're someone who knows me irl reading this, sorry for basically vaguing you on my SCARY ASS blog) i just have a lot of jumbled up feelings from that time still. i mean even people without the 1000 complicating factors have complicated feelings from when they were that old so i guess i can't complain too much.

a lot of this is stuff that makes no sense to anyone who would read it and like, good, because it's not rly anyone's business, but i need to talk abt it anyway... leave it to my therapist btw to cancel for 2 whole damn weeks and my brain to nearly fall apart in that time. not really, i'm kind of being dramatic about it, but i really need to be able to sort through this mess.

anyway i don't have time to chat, i have to go. i want to edit this later to talk about the clothes i got this week though because i'm really happy with them!