#1 | 3/2/2023

serious shit in this entry (trigger warnings)

somewhat detailed talk on aftereffects of csa and dissociative disorder, trauma therapy talk

it's 8 am and i haven't slept - oh 9 am now actually. i expected this but i still hate it. isn't it ironic for me to be the first one making a journal? i don't know how to start these things, or why i put so much effort into something like this besides a reason to stay busy. (i mean, of course i do know.) i can't think well enough to write, but i don't want to be alone trying to fall asleep.

without realizing it, i made a pretty substantial breakthrough in therapy this week by myself (and J). of course people always make it seem like hitting a very large realization like that will be a good thing, like all this weight gets lifted off your shoulders! but i think it's the total opposite - ESPECIALLY in this situation. it's hard being a completely fucking stupid and deplorable pervert in this life! normally i would think it's actually funny, i wouldn't care at all. most of my sessions have ended that way, actually, and i felt better off for it. i would just brush it off because it felt like it didn't matter to me, but it does, for the first time it really does, and it's already way too far gone to be helped at all.

the fact it's march really isn't helping, nor is the fact it is fucking 2023! ugh.

i wish that (online) discussion online about "introjects" irt DID were not so focused on fictional ones. not that talking about specific aspects of introjection is fun anyway, lol. having to resort to scientific bullshit to read anything about this sucks though, and doesn't really help the fact i feel like scum of the earth for it. i'm torn between visceral confusion, extreme sadness and blinding self hatred. have you ever had to contend with the fact you, deep down, are an internalized version of someone you considered your only reason to live? someone you were a sponge to fuck with? someone you basically destroyed your life for, and have just kept doing that for years without even knowing? how do you even go about accepting that?

realizing the ways that i deal with life considerably differently from every other part sucks complete ass, too. i've spent almost every day since therapy reading and making myself sick to death. some part of me had to have already known this deep down for a long time... well, i knew that's why lucas was afraid of me, something he didn't want to admit, and it was just another reason to fuck with him. literally, metaphorically, whatever. even that is just an extension of this, isn't it? but it's not malicious, or like, it never feels or seems malicious to me, the way that he sees it. every time i acted one way and he saw me as a deplorable demon it was just reaffirming. i don't know. i kind of just hate everything right now, and hearing myself talk like this is making me feel like shit, lmao. i wish i was not legitimately the epitome of The Secret Fifth Trauma Response, The Fuck Response

at the end of the day, life sucks, but i don't have a choice in being resuscitated. i can't just die, even if i want to. i activated some insanely deep well of self hatred though, and hurt the only person i really "love" the most with the same realization. i'm scared of sleeping alone, but i really do deserve it. okay, i'm tired of writing this, and tired of self deprecating. sorry for the insanely negative first journal post. i hope we can be on speaking terms again soon. i don't blame them if they don't want to.